#11 in Cardioscopy

#34 in Psychopediatrology

#602 in Gastropulmocologiatric Esophoreneatry

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Center For The Insured

Perish in the lap of luxury at our magnificent Center For The Insured. With beautiful furnishings and glorious artwork, you'll think you've died and gone to heaven. Which is one of two possibilities at the end of your stay at the Center. Your loved ones can enjoy what Waiting Room Magazine calls "the finest waiting rooms in the industry" (April 2011) while you get shocked back to life with whatever equipment we could afford after buying all of those expensive chairs.

No insurance? No problem. We just won't treat you. Try a public hospital. We hear they're fine, although we don't hear that from anyone's who's ever been inside one, because we don't treat or hire those people. Although I guess we do hire those people, since it's not like we provide health insurance to our nurses. Okay, so ask our nurses if you want more information about the peeling wallpaper and stained carpets you'll find elsewhere. But if you want hardwood floors and marble countertops while you bleed to death since we skimped on bandages to pay for all of that, come to the Center, where we remove bodies to the morgue through back passageways faster than any other hospital in the region.

Not convinced? Try our free* chocolate chip cookies. They'll convince you.

*For insurance purposes, giving you a chocolate chip cookie counts as a surgical procedure, so we'll have to collect a co-payment on your way out. Thanks.