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The Hand-Washing Debate

Here at St. Deathsdoor, we've been at the cutting-edge of the Hand-Washing debate that has taken over the medical field in recent years. Should doctors wash their hands? It remains an open question. While some believe that washing hands removes germs and other bacteria, others think that the insides of one patient's body can be useful in treating other patients, and so we ought to do whatever we can to transfer blood, mucus, and other fluids from one patient to the next. We come down square in the center of this debate, opting for a policy we call, "flip a coin." Upon entering each patient's room, every medical professional in our hospital flips a coin, picks it up off the dirty floor, and if it's heads, he washes his hands, but if it's tails, he doesn't. This keeps things fair, no matter which side ends up prevailing in the ongoing debate.

We eagerly await further research that will show whether or not hand-washing provides any benefits to patients. In fact, this research may have already been completed, but our library's research subscriptions lapsed in 1845, and we have not yet found the funds to renew them, so our knowledge base may be a few years behind. Not to worry, we still have a terrific grasp of the latest in medical learnings. We're constantly finding new uses for mercury, the miracle drug, and we're getting better and better at bleeding and purging without all of the usual side effects. We're also experimenting with better types of tree bark. So you can be sure you're in safe (and unwashed) hands here.