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We attribute our success to our people, and we are always looking for more of them, since the ones we have are terrible and are constantly leaving. If you don't mind being exposed to deadly diseases every single day, we may have the perfect job for you. There are openings in almost every department, but before we get to those, how about a mash-up of some ridiculous actual sentences from the careers section of real hospital websites:

[Hospital] offers an environment that supports and sustains the needs of employees. We understand the demands of your career, your need for autonomous decision-making, and your desire to keep learning. Maybe your first experience with [us] was as a patient or the family member of a patient. Perhaps as a student you had a clinical rotation at one of our facilities. Maybe you've driven by one of our billboards countless times.

[Hospital] exists because of its patients. So join us at the Center of a Health Care Renaissance: It's a great place to be. FREE parking in our new 550-car parking structure. We were also recently named a Training Top Ten company, by Training Magazine. We place a high value on the security of our employees and their families.

We recently changed our application process. If you submitted an application for employment prior to June 26, 2008, you will need to create a new user account to submit additional employment applications.

Click here if you are currently in prison.

Click here for jobs involving the hiding of bodies.

Click here for nursing opportunities.

Click here if you are a sex offender.

Click here to sign up to read x-rays from home for $3/hour.