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M.D. vs. M.F.A.: Important?

Patients often wonder about the letters after their doctor's name and what they mean. Here at St. Deathsdoor, our doctors have all sorts of different degrees, certifications, and inmate ID numbers. Sure, we have some MDs, but roaming the halls in staff coats, we also have PhDs, DOs, DPMs, ODs, DPTs, PsyDs, PharmDs, RNs, NPs, LPNs, RDs, PCAs, CNAs, EMTs, PAs, MPHs, DDSs, JDs, CPAs, GEDs, and MFAs. (As well as unlicensed people who stole staff coats, but we're doing our best to apprehend them.)

We are sometimes asked by patients whether it matters if their doctor has an MD or an MFA. To them, we say, "not so much." MDs and MFAs bring different skills to the table, the MDs being slightly better at diagnosis and treatment, and the MFAs slightly better at writing plays about the most physically and emotionally painful aspects of their patients' medical conditions. Both skills are of course equally valuable in the hospital, and lead us to treat our MDs and MFAs interchangeably, assigning one to each patient through a random drawing held every Tuesday.

The real difference between MDs and MFAs comes through accountability. While MDs have weekly Morbidity & Mortality conferences, where they discuss the difficult cases of the week and how we could have done a better job hiding the truth from patients and their families, these are private occasions that the public is not privileged to attend. Our MFAs, on the other hand, create full-scale productions dramatizing the plight of our patients, and present these to sold-out crowds in our cafeteria each Saturday evening. The patients featured by name in each production (or, as the case may be, their estates) receive three free tickets for family and friends. You can join the fun every Saturday at 7:00. Refreshments available for purchase in the lobby.