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Urinary Tract Infection Rate Falls To 98%

Celebration at St. Deathsdoor today as a new study revealed that just 98% of patients are contracting UTIs while in the hospital. This is down 3% from last month's finding that 101% of patients -- every patient, plus 1% of people in the nearby community, who catch the infections merely by looking at the hospital -- were affected. As part of the festivities surrounding this unprecedented news, all nurses will be given the afternoon off, meaning no catheters will be checked until the morning.