Fat? You're our new favorite customer.
As doctors, we've spent our careers telling patients they're too fat, and trying to urge them to lose weight through the 100%-effective method of eating nothing and constantly running in place. But in our role as hospital employees, we'd be silly to tell people to lose weight. The more weight you lose, the fewer health problems you're likely to have. Fewer health problems equal fewer boxes we can check on your insurance reimbursement forms equals less money. Of course, there's a balancing effect at some point-- if you're too fat, you're going to die, and once you die, we don't make any money off of you anyway, so theoretically there should be some incentive to keep you alive, or at least just alive enough to keep coming here. But since there are always more patients-- always more potential customers being birthed every day-- we don't worry so much about that side of the equation. Nope, we just need you sick, and if you die, that's an unintended consequence that we chalk up to the hazards of the profession.
With all of that in mind, we'd like to offer our latest and greatest solution to your obesity problem. Close your eyes and wish. Wish for the fat to melt away. Wish for you to wake up tomorrow, your body drowning in the excess fabric of your XXXXL pajamas that you went to sleep in, because now you're 106 pounds and looking great. Will wishing work? Probably not. But does that mean you'll still need our services? Almost certainly. So that's the plan. Eat some cookies, and wish.
And for more information about our new gastric surgery-- first there was gastric bypass, then gastric bands, and now, only here, introducing Gastric Silly Bandz-- stop by our Fatt Center (the extra T is for TRIPLE CHOCOLATE CAKE) and say hello.