#11 in Cardioscopy

#34 in Psychopediatrology

#602 in Gastropulmocologiatric Esophoreneatry

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Region's #1 Processing Center

No one should be satisfied to be #2. That's why we're proud to be #1 in beds per square foot, #1 in unnecessary radiation, #1 in employing former felons, and #1 in speed of patient processing across the entire region.

What is patient processing? It's a euphemism for something we aren't going to get into any further detail about. But just know we're #1, and we can process patients faster than anyone else. Are you a patient? Do you need processing? That's about all the time it takes with our state-of-the-industry machinery. And we're working to make the entire process environmentally-friendly by 2016.