After an intense competition, involving residents sabotaging each other's patients in order to emerge victorious, we are pleased to announce our winner in the race for resident of the month.
Note that if (like the last three winners) for any reason the resident of the month is unable to complete his or her duties, and gets dismissed from the program before the month is complete due to criminally negligent activity, a runner-up will be named.
This month's winner, whose name is being withheld due to ongoing legal matters, is in our joint program where she splits her time between the Internal Medicine and Medical Examiner departments. This program helps improve patient care by reducing handoffs-- residents follow their patients directly from the wards to the medical examiner's office.
The following questionnaire answers were provided by the monthly winner:
Best Medical Skill: "Drawing blood. Oh, wait, does drawing blood mean taking blood from patients and not just drawing pictures of it? Then, no, that's not my best medical skill."
Worst Medical Skill: "I don't know, making correct diagnoses? Ha. I'm kidding. Sort of."
Likes: "Uh, walks on the beach, classic rock, showing up to work completely drunk, sitting alone in my apartment-- which I don't really like, but it's basically all I do because I don't have a life. I know this isn't a dating site, but I sort of wish it were a dating site, because it's not like I'm ever going to meet anyone in the hospital and, please, I really don't want to end up alone."
Dislikes: "Um... the elderly, hand sanitizer, hospitals, patients, other residents, attendings, needles, nurses, PAs, NPs, DOs, OTs..."
Career Goal: "To win the lottery and be able to quit? To find some way to escape this wretched profession? To contract something terrible in a way that allows me to sue the hospital for a billion dollars? Why did I win this award? Were there really no better options than me? And especially to win it three months in a row, it's kind of embarrassing..."