Welcome. You've probably been sent to this page by one of our helpful administrators, after running your insurance card through the system and seeing that you're no longer covered. That's okay. Even though you're no longer permitted on the premises, we can still help you remotely. Congratulations on choosing to take control of your medical care. So many patients just ignore their problems and let them grow. But you're being proactive, and that's always the better approach. Are your hands clean? Wash them before you begin. Use soap, if you have. Put on gloves, if you have those too. Latex gloves are best, but work gloves are fine as well, or snow mittens if that's all you have.
Step 1. What hurts? Try and identify the source of the problem. Is it an arm? A leg? Something inside or outside your body? Try to concentrate to really feel the source of the pain. If it's coming from your insides, how deep inside? Which kidney? Which liver?
Step 2. Draw a picture. Always best to start surgery with a plan. Draw a sketch of your body and put a big red dot where the pain is coming from. That's the spot you're going to aim for, so try and be as accurate as possible. Focus. Concentrate. There you go. Perfect.
Step 3. Take your least favorite knife from your silverware drawer. We recommend using your least favorite, because you may not want to use it again on your food after performing the surgical procedure. At the very least, you will want to give it a good scrubbing. Again, use soap if you have it. So take that least-favorite knife and try to identify which end is used to cut. It's going to be extra-painful if you use the wrong end, so do try and choose correctly. Grab it in your dominant hand. Unless you want a challenge, in which case your weaker hand is an option too. You'll want to keep your eyes open for the next step, so take a minute to turn on the lights if they're not on yet. You don't want to be falling asleep while making the incision.
Step 4. Again, this is an important one. You'll want to go in at an angle, putting the blade into your skin. What angle? Doesn't matter, as long as it's an angle. Refer to your diagram for guidance as you try to reach the source of the problem. You'll know you've hit it when the initial source of the hurt goes away and is replaced by a different sensation. What sensation is that? Oh, you'll know when you feel it. Feel it? Not yet? Keep digging. Okay, feel it now? Great. You'll want to wiggle the knife around to really get the entire area. Okay, if you're still conscious you'll want to remove the knife and set it aside.
Step 5. Grab a bandage, if you have. We probably should have told you to set out all of your supplies before you started. But if you have a bandage, now would be the time to apply it. Otherwise a towel will be fine, for now. But try to get a bandage. The wound will heal better. Pain all gone? Congratulations, you've just performed surgery.
Disclaimer: Please perform surgery only under the supervision of a trained professional, or if you are over the age of 18. Children, do not try this at home without a parent's permission.