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A Tradition of Mortality

For over a hundred years, people have been coming to us -- most of them, not of their own free will -- when their children can no longer stand to be their caretakers. Before we were a hospital, we were a morgue. And we'll be a morgue long after we're done being a hospital. There are bodies here that we don't even know about. And every time one of our patients discovers one, they win a free meal. See, most of our meals cost money. And if you don't have money, because our staff stole it from your pockets, you can't eat. But find a dead body, and you get your food. It's just another one of the traditions that keep people coming through the doors. That and the trucks we send around the city to pick people up off the streets. Sure, they kick and fight, but because we're a hospital, we have sedatives that can slow them down. And some of them are even intended for humans. Have we lost track of the point? Maybe. But that's what happens when we let our patients write our web page content.

Join us in celebrating the milestones in our history. We're proud of our long heritage of providing medical care to those who can most pay for it:

1903: Perform nation's first heart transplant procedure. (Still waiting for our first successful one -- call us to schedule your appointment!)

1916: Hospital CEO arrested for selling human organs.

1929: Great Depression causes hospital to lose ground as local leader in suicides-- don't worry, we regained our title soon after.

1937: Our Head of Surgery celebrates his 30th birthday -- and he's still our Head of Surgery today!

1944: Hospital mistakenly allies with wrong side in World War II. Don't ask.

1950: Electricity comes to the hospital. Now we can even treat patients after sundown.

1969: Bedbugs take root-- see, even they prefer the care here!

1972: Install nation's first hospital-based wood-burning pizza oven in cafeteria.

1973: Fire in cafeteria destroys neighboring intensive care unit. Broken smoke detector is only thing saved.

1980: 83-day doctor, nurse, and technician strike. We prove we can do just fine without them.

1989: First annual Diarrhea Day celebration, inspired by reaction to our July 4th potato salad fiasco. Becomes proud hospital tradition.

2000: Oops-- Y2K bug causes all patients on the prison floor to get loose. Hilarity and multiple fatalities ensue.

2011: We discover the Internet and launch web site. Coming soon: medical care entirely via webcam.

Will you be alive to celebrate our next milestone? Not if you get here more than a week before it happens!