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Why Die Here?

Most hospitals focus on the living. Cures and treatments, kind staff and cutting-edge facilities. But let's cut to the truth. Most of you are coming here to die. Don't believe us? Ask our patients. Can't find them? Wonder why. They're dead. And not because they came to St. Deathsdoor, but because we're not magicians, just doctors (some of us). And if you're sick enough that you're going to see a doctor, it's probably too late. Anyone who makes promises is only trying to trick you. After all, there's no accountability for providing false hope. They're wrong, you're dead, it's over. So let's put aside the wishful thinking and get to the question that you ought to be asking: of all the hospitals where you can die, why here? Why St. Deathsdoor?

(And we know it's not because of the smell, and we're working to fix that.)

What we do offer here is a long tradition of mortality, supported by the region's #1 processing center-- and with three convenient locations, how could it be any easier? Plus, with cable TV in every room and no last meal request denied, we provide everything you need to make your death as enjoyable as possible.

Not to mention the complimentary tote bag (do not place ashes in the tote bag). So order our free information packet today and increase your speed on the road to death.

Don't take our word for it. Ask the people who've died here:

"St. Deathsdoor kept me really comfortable for my entire stay. I'm so glad I get to go ho-- wait, what? I thought you said I was better! Better for your bottom line?? What is that supposed to mean? I am not getting in that wood chipper--" -- Betsy H., 57

"The hospital provided for my every need, right up until the time I-- seriously? I'm getting out of here. Let go of me! I said, let go of me right now!" -- Stacey G., 41

"I... am... having... trouble... brea..." -- Jack D., 72